Beating Harnessing fear: 5 Milestones, 5 days, Love Mekanism Journal Entry 1
If there were a 5-day old birthday, this would be it for the Love Mekanism Project. I thought I might share the 5 milestones I claim as mastered these 5 days (…it’s my party) before boldly moving on to my next personal challenges. I considered myself open-minded, so listening to new music was not strange, the writing itself was not new, but revealing myself and my own personal thoughts without regard for whether it was not good enough or even if it were too good (yup). Given the occasion, I guess it’s time to explain why:
1) Having to explain the circumstances of my immediate family my whole life couldn’t help; I have an aversion to pity. 2) The insistence by some bullies growing up that believed I was “all that” a time of the worst horror in my life when I just wanted to disappear. Don’t worry; I think they finally caught on that it’s ok to be different– Hey what’s a decade or two among friends? Oh I have long moved on by forgiving, loving, and moving on because I’m not that little girl, but a woman now, and what they did paled in comparison to what I was dealing with, but all those things have long lost their power. In the grand scheme, I survived, and that was enough to do some pretty cool stuff! There’s so much more to do, so many amazing people to know and things to learn and see– just to get lost in a corner of time and space-selling your life short for pity? Don’t be ridiculous– healing isn’t overnight, it was years of work little by little doing the best I can with set-backs sprinkled throughout. Ok enough that’s 2!
Let’s not rain on my parade, honey. I’m proud of and appreciate you for sharing with me, and finally now, I am actually really proud of me! I was shaking like a crazy leaf overwhelmed by this irrational fear (… says the person posting you to death today) Forgive me; I don’t know what everyone takes for granted, but for me this is a really big deal….I’m graduating! On to the next challenge, so here were the 5 for my 5 days
1. Told a buncha people I exist– Something happened fairly recently- maybe a couple of months ago. I liked to joke about being Bigfoot because when I went out someplace with my bestie, the reaction was usually, “I have never seen you here before.”, but recent events forced me to ask “if something happened, who would they say I am to the kiddies?” And the sad truth was… sparse. I mean– beyond just data, records, and physical fast facts. Good, bad, ugly, lovely, pretty-damn-cool, whatever… they deserve to know who I am as a human being. Prime example, many didn’t know what I did for a living before because at some point, I didn’t want to sound snobby going on about it. Maybe that was kind, or maybe I was right to think they didn’t care anyway, but I was saying that my accomplishments and everything I worked for and cared about every day is nothing compared to another person’s best comfort, a responsibility I took on for myself lol. Above all, I wanted things to be normal like what everyone else seemed to have; I desired that normalcy. Even for my personality, that’s a silly aspiration. I’m glad that’s over. That may have given me some humility points with you-know-who, but suddenly being Big Foot just would not do if that meant my legacy could be spending their lives trying to explain what they didn’t know and no one could tell them about me in the event something happened. Plus “Idk” works better on a text message than a ‘patient history form’ or something anyway.
2. Sharing my opinions (an exercise in confidence in my own instincts)– I just got tired of saying: “I kneeew it!” and “why did I believe…?” or “I shoulda…” How long does it take to realize that someone with an agenda for me and who knows nothing about me is not the best influencer for me in any way- as if they are somehow in tune with my instincts? They are not. That’s the question I had to ask because everyone seems to claim to know more than us when they know only know what they want from us. I learned that it’s not enough to make the right decision if you don’t stick to it. What’s wrong with drawing a line, setting boundaries for myself, and admitting how I actually feel? This is what’s best for me now. How someone else feels usually reflects how that one feels about herself anyway. How can you control them? You can’t? Well, why am I worried about it?…no more; I have turned my tassle.
3. Reaching out to strangers— every day in public I feel at peace that I’m not concerned what the next stranger thinks of me; they’re usually aren’t. The reality is that people are connected whether we like it or not. Cruelty may make me wonder sometimes whether some of us really “get” that every exchange with another person does matter. But fearing strangers isn’t the answer, and it offers little protection- since most of us get the worst hurt from the few close ones; yet have thousands of interactions occur everyday with strangers- from signaling in a car to walking in and out of the same door- more likely than not occurs without incident, right? I learned that building arbitrary walls are generational prisons. I’ve learned to just prepare for the worst, hope and pray for the best, and live!
4. Asking. Somewhere along the line, I stopped asking for what I wanted as a defense mechanism because “I could do it myself”( tots are good teachers lol). And in the past, others who I thought were supposed to provide resources or have the authority to affect them, invariably tried to exploit that position. My plan was good back then- the best I could do as a child or caring for myself so young- but later it was just a thing unfixed since it wasn’t broken- no biggie-just didn’t ask. But you don’t always get to choose the events of your life- sure some you can anticipate, but not all the time. That’s life. Either way, when things change, don’t forget to adjust your plan. Hopelessness makes it easy to forget that there is still a vision- even when the goals’ tasks require adjustment. I think that the “least of us” is not only all around us or anyone at any given time– but even us when we just need someone to try and understand, to give an ear or a smile, or to share a joy, show some support or just say…”you’re doing ok.” Friends, cousins trying to talk you out of a corner…lol no.. How I learned to just ask was when I could finally accept their small unprompted words of kindness, love, admiration, and support to me, and I couldn’t imagine that they wouldn’t help if they could if I only asked them. In this, I saw that they were always there- watching. When I decided to do it, I decided to lean on one who was with me messaging and shared the delightful terror when I took my first small step on this journey (I’m so serious, it was really a thing). Goodness I’m not saying to use anyone as a just a crutch or for money. I knew I was winning when I accepted what I had already taught my little one and what he in turn told me, “thank you for Mommy for using your words.”
Now I need you to like the Love Mekanism facebook create page, so they can let me see Insights. Idk what that is? But it sounds like good milestone lol! Ask not…and something….
5. Letting go-– life is hard just for nothing- you know? Holding on to what you hoped to recapture or an expectation or ideal– is not fair or healthy. And what the hell is normal anyway? To let go has been a hard-learned skill for me; losing isn’t always failing. Mistakes are a part of being a human; fix them if you can, and keep on moving. C’mon, that’s not new. It’s amazing how easy it is to get lulled into someone else’s ideal; that is a mistake. It had to be mastered; a survey of myself found that I would not dream of treating others that way I was treating myself, and this was inviting poor treatment. Recognizing this fact was an indicator of the presence of the mechanism of love for myself. . Yes, do forgive and offer resources if possible. I found that when pushing the limitations of tolerance because of what I believed was showing “great selfless love” without its proper respect and context, is not showing love at all but disrespect for myself. Everyone has “a thing”, but sometimes one isn’t personally positioned in their lives to care for something as precious as the heart of another. And it’s not a trade-off for hate…mean for what? Whatcha get for hating? Nothing, and you can’t take care of yourself when you feel that way; letting go can be traumatic, that means it takes time just to fill that space with enough good to outweigh and smother out the junk.
I’ll drink to that- water right now it’s too late! On to the next challenges; there’s still work and tlc for me as I continue my journey.
Thank you for reading,
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