Apologies Part 2: When to Fold ’em and 5 Other Eff Words

Part 1: Demise and Burial of the Half@ssed Apology.

Apologies Part 2: When to Fold ’em and 5 Other Eff Words

Usually when no apology is needed, none is expected. But there are times when the offender’s offense lies only in the mind of the offended.

“Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar” -attributed to Sigmund Freud 

1. Fear (or Perceived Threat) Jealousy? Hating? Hopelessness?

These cigars are all first cousins that must be identified. Spades a spade– whatever, we’re calling it!

2. Fold ’em!

Know when to fold 'em

Go on and throw that little hand in there, Honey. And if they insist on an apology, just pick an eff word– any one. No 🙂 actually I am nice and very loving, and have learned to answer unequivocally. But why?

“Jealousy… is a mental cancer” -B.C. Forbes

3. First

Asking the right questions

I’ve learned that a great start to getting a good answer is to check the integrity of the question, and respect and validate my true feelings; it’s easy to dismiss them as hating, but oddly it seems we don’t really think about  or care about what we may perceive as a little harmless hating. Either one is cruelty to self  and counterproductive.

EXERCISE:

Most red-blooded girls like me looove or at least at one time in life or another loved shoes, handbags, etc….until a certain point in life when we grow up, and “clothes” are no longer just  “clothes”. They symbolize. Labels evolve from the annoying strip that tells us if our clothes are on backwards into articles of seemingly more significance like:
  • whether a fabric feels great on my skin or flatters my body type,
  • or the designer’s artistic vision accurately articulates my personalitaaay.
But just as disease affects down to the cellular level- sometimes chemically altering our very make-up, making getting dressed in the morning look like patient history. That is, if we take the time to look at the ugly, diagnose it, and treat it.
Unfortunately, we don’t- not usually. So, it should strike us when it starts to signify things like this:
  • I love the way another a celebrity looks in these clothes (read: what’s wrong with the way I look?)
  • or do what people think I have when they see me in this (read: look at me; people don’t see me anymore).
  • I love the image it gives me (read: they value me because of what they think I own).
  • It may be ugly to look at, but each “felt feeling” is valid and deserves all the same attention.

4. Fix it!  Try Better Questions

Getting to the truth, as you recall begins with asking the right questions. Ask Why (x 5)? Is it the clothes or my weight fluctuates because I’m really really happy or going through hell right now? And why is that? If they’re so valuable, why…? Oh I value myself Honey, I crank out so much ego that I can share, but what in my life makes such an impression that it seems to cancel even my best efforts to feel sufficient? When I’m portraying this image? or this is closer to how I have designed it….uh oh! Is this the only way I can feel as valuable as I feel when I’m wearing these clothes? Now, those are the last questions, you’re gonna have to drill down from there. But

5. Follow-up in the Future

And watch for patterns. Hopefully, the offended party might bring it to your attention with intention to salvage your relationship. Every once in awhile, it’s un-salvageable. What starts as a squeaky wheel that may need a little grease become a much more costly job. And we just have to be able to walk away and move on- even in keeping our eyes open. Unfortunately sometimes the consequences of actions are permanent, and trying to fix them outside of the planning stage is hit and miss.
Open / Unedited
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